Off the Meaten Path
At first blush, your fear is probably that this is going to be a non-meat story. T’aint so. It is, however, about an “alternative” burger, one that might be as close as your corner, like it is mine.
Pre-cooked somewhere west of Wherethehellisthat? Ohio, flash-frozen (one hopes) and shipped to a corner mini mart, office vending machine, or aircraft carrier near you, the Big Az burger with processed American cheese slice, boasts a full 9.65 ounces of flavor on a sesame seed bun, all for less than $3.
It comes sans condiments, allowing you to decorate at your whim. My choice, as pictured, is pickle, onion, mustard. And some potato by-product from Lay’s that I had around the house. If you think the bun looks kinda squished, you’re right. My fault.
This particularly delicious delight requires some home preparation, obviously. I get the best results by doing the bun and patty separately, or at least for different lengths of time. Your mileage may vary.
I know, I know, you’re asking “gwailo, how did you discover such a tasty morsel?” Well, you see kids, my significant better 2/3rds doesn’t care for ground beef, in any form or fashion, so I am compelled to seek the manna of the gods outside of my domestic environs. My connection for the Big Az is the corner liquor store, @ Pomona and Capitol Highway, spitting distance from my house. To reduce my carbon footprint, I limit my burgers to those within walking distance.
And avoid places that promise “locally harvested sustainable beef.” I abstain from sustain. I won’t be on the planet long enough to care.
I know you are dubious. But these are honestly better than any fast food burgers, with the exception of Fatburger and In N Out, both of which have not graced Portland with their presence. It has always struck me as odd that Fatburger is owned by a Portland company, but doesn’t have an outlet here.
Perhaps a tea party is in order?